Faking It

I've been asked why I feel the need in certain situations to "fake it". Others on the spectrum call it "passing". It means to be someone else - to try and stop being autistic for a time. To "fake" being normal. In my case, it stems from when I was in school. I was bullied - not only by the children but, by teachers who didn't notice when I was being mistreated by the other children. Or by children and teachers who said things to purposely upset me. So I learned to blend in. To hide my differences while at school or around most others. At that time the phrase "normal people scare me" was very true. When I got home I'd be on over load because it's hard trying to be someone else.

"Faking it" is a habit - it shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't - indeed no one - should have to try and be something they're not, to be accepted by society. I'm slowly turning off that learned habit of faking it. It means I'm stimming more. I read the books I like more, instead of the ones I think someone my age should be reading. I've stopped trying to hide the fact that I like cartoons so much. And I've learned that my parents will love me whether I operate on the level of a nineteen year old or a nine year old. As will the rest of my family. I'm learning that it's okay to be open about my disability.(Going out with Indy is like wearing a neon sign "disability over here".)

I wonder sometimes, what is so wrong with the way God made me and others like me, that society felt the need to first hide us away and now try and make us come out like cookie cutters? I've been told time and time again He doesn't make mistakes. If He doesn't make mistakes then why do some seem to think we need to be fixed?

Yes I am now nineteen and I prefer to watch Winnie the pooh, Roy Rogers, Murder She Wrote, Scooby-Doo, most classic Disney movies and many classic cartoons as well as the westerns my father exposed me to when I was small. I prefer them because there is little to no violence, little cussing, and few social situations that I can't understand or that make me uncomfortable. That's hard to find in current TV. My current reading material has few adult books, some picture books and many children's chapter books. For some of the same reasoning as my viewing choices. My favorite activities include: coloring, playing with moon sand, and doing the same puzzle over again. This does not make me any less a person then someone my age, who is in college and able to take full response ability for themselves.

I apologise for the rant but, maybe someone not familiar with the "A club" will see this and understand. The rant has been building for awhile.

Chloe and Indy